Day 52 - Woo Hoo!!!

So... I got drunk last night...went out and had a good old time. I've been so depressed. I was convinced that I would never see any significant weight loss past the same five pounds  that I go up and down. I drank and danced the night away. I woke up this morning...and I was 241 Pounds! Seriously! Ok. I didn't eat much yesterday, I know that, but dang. I danced a little, enough that my knees hurt (I'm getting too old for this shit). But I'm officially down nine pounds! Yes! Ok, so the logic in me says "hey, your dumb ass is just dehydrated! You lost water weight! It don't count!". But you know what I don't care. Its just what I needed to see when I needed to see it. I can do this. Ok granted I'm 11 pounds behind in from where I should be at the end of month two but if I can just keep going.

Last week I was all so motivated. I bought a new ball to do my sit ups on and a new work out tape by the guys on the Biggest Loser. I did the new work out tape. I did an old work out tape for the ball and the next day I hurt so bad! Why? Why does it have to hurt so bad? I was so messed up I couldn't work out for a couple days and then I didn't want to work out because it hurt so bad. Today I'm hung over but tomorrow is a new day...again. LOL. I really want to do this

All I had yesterday was a fish filet sandwich and I went to the park with the kids, pushed them on the swing, ran around the track and danced all night (and drank) until one in the morning. Is that the recipe to weight loss?

Month two, Day eight...boy!

Boy! This shit is hard. I was in a bad place for a minute. I was down to 245, went out to a friends house for a get together and was backup two pounds. Every little thing HURTS this weight loss thing. I have to be so careful. I'm back down to 245.

I'm so mad. By this time in my time line I imagined I'd be down ten pounds and well in to this month's weight loss. Instead I am only half way to last month's goal. AND there is no comfort in sight. It's Valentine's Day Week so we're having a "Date". They'll be dancing and dinners and movies and drinks...lots of drinks. :-) All of which is great and I'm excited for that BUT that's a hinderance to my weight loss. I can't keep going up five and down five for the next six months I need to see PROGRESS. So I will exercise this week but I expect it to be a total wash and next week to be right back at it hard.

I haven't exercised much. I did on thurs then went out and ate too much then friday was a relax day and sat was a birthday party, and sun was the superbowl, so...I been busy but today I'm ready to hit the treadmill.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 245 Pounds

Guilt or Punishment...just might work.

So I saw 245 again today. Feels good just gotta keep going. Didn't workout again yesterday. I guess I do have to be punished...or guilted in to exercise. Well, I'll walk later...maybe.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 245 Pounds

Workout Yesterday: None

Food Diary: two turkey hotdogs, a chicken breast, burger and fries ( I know! I know!)

Exercise by Guilt

My husband says to me yesterday, "You need a penalty". "A what?", I ask him. "A penalty, a punishment for not exercising".

Now as you can imagine, this conversation is not going to go well, not if you know me, because all I hear is: "Your lazy, fat, ass has been sliding by for years only doing what you want when you want and now if you are not gonna do what you promised I think you should be punished".

Now I won't tell you he went on, in typical male fashion, to "jokingly" suggest my "punishment" be some type of twisted, painful, sexual favor, which I did not find funny, since I was already pretty insulted. We went on to finish that conversation where I explained I don't appreciate the idea of torture and he went on to explain that he was joking but nothing motivates me, and I need to get started. I need to get on the ball.

After I finished sulking (this morning), I realize that my success in this endeavor is important to him, and possibly important to our marriage. He is probably tired of having a pretty but fat wife. He probably doesn't know how to say that to me without me trying to castrate him. So last night I exercised, but I was mad about it because I hadn't felt like I did it because I wanted to or needed to. I did it because he guilted me in to it. It was 9:30 at night and I wouldn't have if it wasn't for him. But I couldn't let him come home and find that I didn't do again what I've been  promising.

So last night, I didn't have any drinks ,which I do often, and I don't list it on my food journal cause I don't need you judging me. :-) I didn't have any ice cream...and I wasn't a pound lighter this morning. Now that just made me mad. There seems to be not direct corelation between exercising and losing weight. What's that about? I've seen results from not eating late and from eating well and even from getting enough sleep but not so much from exercise. Shouldn't that produce immediate results?

I give up...and just keep going. I'm off to exercise.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 246.4 Pounds

Workout: 30 minutes on the treadmill (program 1)

Food Diary: Spaghetti for dinner, chicken and a big salad for lunch.

Day One - Month Two

It's February 1st, it's a new day and a new month. Today is new and it will be different. Today I will exercise. Today I will work out for a full half hour! Don't want to push myself too hard. I still have laundry, mopping, dishes, and vacuuming to do. But today I will exercise... and will do it for the next four days. Monday thru Friday, I'm challenging myself ...again. I failed before but I won't this time and the work will be evident. Wish me luck.

...and no more ice cream this week. Promise.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 246.4 Pounds

Workout Yesterday: None

Food Diary: Pasta, three servings, small amounts, water, and...three Haagen Dagz ice cream bars. Tomorrow is another day.

I got one comment!

So... I got some encouraging words today. That was AWESOME! Thank you whoever you are. :-) I needed that. I'm only half way to my month one goal and it's already month two! But I'm not discouraged. I know what I'm doing wrong and I can fix it. I can change. I will slip up...like with those three haagen dagz ice cream bars I had last night BUT I can get back on track! So I'm focused and rejuvenated. Rejuvenated by your words, so please don't hesitate, if you are reading, please comment. It helps to know my words are not just floating out in the universe.

Day 30

So far I learned I have to exercise...Duh! I have to not eat after 6 or 7pm. I have to eat regularly and not deny myself sweets. Must learn moderation!

Month one and I'm down almost five pounds. I'm 5 and a half pounds behind schedule, but I've made progress and I've learned.

I can do this.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 245.7 Pounds

Well...let's recap the month.

Well...its been 29 days into my weight loss journey and its been hard. I had a bad period and a bout of depression and well... just really poor discipline, and choices. I'm at 247 pounds. I've been as low as 7 pounds down this month, but right now I'm only 3 pounds down.

I gave up beer, but I haven't been exercising consistently. I've only made it to bed at a decent hour a few times this month. I'm not a much of a junk food eater but I've had more than my share of fast food this month. And basically I've been weak and indulgent, which is my problem in the first place. I've got to get more on the ball. I've been drinking a lot too. And that's not helping. I like to party. But I guess I have to wait to celebrate until I reach my goal weight in 6, I mean 5 months.

I'm gonna regroup...get right in the head...and pick up where I left off a couple weeks ago. I can do this.  Stay tuned.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now:     247 Pounds

Day 23

Tonight, I've been drinking so forgive my rambling. I'm really in a state this evening. This is like my food diary only not about food. More about feelings and insight. The type of insight that only comes after you have 4 or 5 drinks. Ok, I've only had three but I plan to stick it out until I make it to 4...or 5.
I'm a horrible human being. I say that I'm no couch potato, turn off cable (its too damn expensive anyway) but when I do...I spend 7 hours in front of the computer screen trying to catch up on my favorite shows (Desperate Housewives, Heroes, Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice). I'm a horrible person, even worse a horrible mother. What good mother could even pull that off? I spent no time with my kids today...or yesterday. I was good about missing the shows for a week...even two then I just had to see them, all in one day even! I'm sick. This has to be an illness. And somewhere before the realization of just how sick an individual I have to be to do that has even hit me, what do I decide to do????? BAKE COOKIES!!!!! Its like eating my feelings was a thought before it was even a thought. Now!!!!!! 12 cookies later and three drinks, I might add, I'm feeling like a piece of shit person, weight loss loser, mother, and wife...oh yeah, did I mention that I did no cleaning today. A family of four must clean every day, even if its just the dishes. I didn't even do that!!! Oh, Yeah! ...and they had hot dogs for dinner...again. I'm the world's worst mother and I suck.

...to my credit I did go on a hike with my kids up a mountain side,  which they have been dying to do, but to my discredit it was after three shows, after which I passed out for a 20 minute nap then watched two more shows while they went splash splash.

...am I the world's worst mother? ...and weight loss loser? This morning I was 243! Down an official 6 pounds. then I go and do this...good luck to me tomorrow morning. I have 7 days to lose 4 pounds or I'm already off schedule. I can't afford that.  Not one month in. I know I haven't been trying that hard but I thought the first 10 would be easy. This sucks. Nothing is easy!!!!!

Starting Weight:  250 Pounds
Weight Now:     234 Pounds

Food Diary: I've been eating Chili all week ( just for the last three days). It has its drawbacks and benefits. Today I'm back on to salads.

Workouts: Hike up hill - 30 minutes. I couldn't breathe most of the way up the hill so I hope that counted as a work out.

Day 21

Ok, so I'm down to 244 today. I want to get four pounds off quick. I think I'm gonna have to get ...extreme. I need to lose 10 pounds a month to stay on schedule. On my days off, I don't work out. And I really haven't worked out this week at all. I'm at the end of my period and planning to make a big return to working out tomorrow. Fridays are my mondays. Starting fresh on Monday (Friday).

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now:     244 Pounds

Food Diary: I ate chicken and rice and cabbage, and Wendy's chicken nuggets and fries yesterday. Obviously, not a good idea.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

So I've been having a horrible period. I'm lethargic, bleeding to death, dying slowly, if you will. Needless to say I have zero interest in running (or walking) on a treadmill (my only form of exercise at this point). I'm so tired, I can barely get the laundry done or dinner made. I'd like to mention, I'm already a low speed individual on the norm so this is not good. I'm bloated and my back hurts. Some months I HATE being a woman, being a FAT WOMAN only intensifies that feeling and I will spare you the details of how being FAT affects having your period.
But here, I have a bright light this month. It just happens to be at the end of a very long tunnel, I haven't been eating late at night, (although I have had a hand full of gummi bears for my sugar rush lately), and I've been going to bed early to get rest...and I'm down to 243.4! I'm so excited. down almost 7 pounds this month. This is good. This is very good.!

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now:   243.4

Workout Yesterday: None

Food Diary: I made a big pot of chicken and rice a couple days ago. My husband asked me to make it but ate it once, so did the kids so I've been stuck eating it (cause I hate to waste food, its part of my problem). So, I've been eating chicken and rice for the last couple of days. I've had a hand full of gummi bears to quench my thirst for sweets and I've been keeping the house pretty bare of anything that doesn't require cooking. The poor kids, no snacks, no fats. The only thing I've been stocking is meat and salad. Poor me! (not really, I love salad...until I don't. When I'm tired of something I'm over it... then I come back to it later. I'm fickle.)

Day 16 - woman business

Well, this ought to be fun. My period is coming. I become a  mean, angry raging lunatic about 3 to 4 times a year when I have a bad period and I feel it coming. I'm hungry all the time and very easily irritated. I'm sure its some type of hormonal inbalance thing but the last thing my body needs is more chemistry to try and fix my messed up chemistry. Worst of all this is a really fattening time for me. I eat my feelings, so I'm impatient with the kids, and eat my feelings, angry at my husband and eat my feelings, mad the house is dirty and eat my feelings, pissed off the computer isn't working and eat my feelings. In a week I'll be up 5 pounds. I'm going to be as good as I can. Working out is really hard at "that time of the month". But I'll do what I can. It's going to be a rough week.

I'm still at 247.2. I ate late last night. I shouldn't have done that.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now 247.2 Pounds

Food Diary: Yesterday I had coffee, a big salad with chicken breast, later in the night I had sunflower seeds two turkey tacos and two "drinks", AND a small bowl of brown rice, turkey and green beans.
No wonder why I didn't lose a pound. Then I went to bed at midnight.

Workout Yesterday: 30 minutes on the treadmill (program 1)

Day 15

So I'm fifteen days in and I'm a hot mess. I only down 3 pounds right now. 247.2. Sad.

I was bad. I was off the last two days and didn't do any work outs. I put back on 2-3 pounds. I ate popcorn and cookies and sunflower seeds. BACON! Boy was I bad. At least if I'm gonna do stuff like that I gotta work harder on my five days of workouts. I missed the fifth day of my commitment to working out 5 days a week. I gotta step it up a notch. I'm demotivated but motivated. I'm demotivated because I'm not maintaining my weight loss, but I'm motivated that at least its coming off. Doesn't help that I keep putting some back on.

I bought that fancy new scale I wanted. It's huge. It tells you your weight (of course), your Body Mass Index, you water percentage and your bone mass (or something like that). It says I'm 53% Body FAT. OMG! That's crazy! My husband thinks I'm crazy trying to lose a hundred pounds, expecially in one year, he thinks I'm too old to ever see that weight again. We'll see. I'm gonna try and prove him wrong. But the scale is basically saying if I lose half my weight (provided its all fat) I'd be at zero body fat. I know that ain't possible, that's for sure. Either way, I don't want to get crazy about the numbers. For now I just want to see the weight loss. The only number that matters to me is the the scale's numbers showing my weight going down.

I've got to get cracking!

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now:     247.2 Pounds


Food Diary: Last night I had, chicken breast with a huge salad, about 8 iced oatmeal cookies, a cup of sunflower seeds, 8 chicken nuggets (Mcd's) earlier.


Workout Yesterday: None

Day 13

My zest and zeal are gone. I was all "gung ho" about losing weight after being down 5 and a half pounds in a week. Then I got paid. I bought a philly cheese steak sandwich yesterday! After two days of pizza! Really?!!!! Then topped that off with a midnight feeding of Carls Jr's Mushroom burger! Does this sound like a person who is serious about weight loss. I'm so weak! I was gonna work out two times yesterday to make up for it and didn't even make it thru one workout. I really do suck.

Today, I went to the movies. (Sidenote: Avatar was AWESOME!!!) Of course, I couldn't resist the popcorn and soda. Didn't eat anything else today but who needs to I'm still bloated from the midnight mushroom burger. The family (meaning the husband) already decided tonight its breakfast for dinner. That's bound to be good and fattening. Bacon, eggs, bagels, butter. I'll never get this weight off.

How many calories in a shot of Vodka?...a big shot?

I'm getting my new scale tomorrow. It has hydration meters and reads your BMI. I can't weight. :-)
It can show me, in a whole new way, and far more detail, how horribly I'm screwing up.

Starting Weight: 250 pounds
Weight Now:    246.8 pounds

Day 12

Today I'm slightly down. I was hoping for more weight to come off today but I must not have gotten the formula right. I was so excited that I was able to lose weight even though I was eating pizza yesterday. I even ate pizza again (only two slices this time) but didn't eat anything else except for a couple crackers and some yogurt. My weight this morning was 244.8. Up .2 pounds. I didn't sleep well, I didn't eat enough I think, and I didn't work out twice like I did yesterday. So I didn't get the formula right, but I will. By golly, I will. I'm more determined than ever now. It's possible. It is.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now:     244.8 Pounds

Day 11

Ok. So I was stoked about having lost 4 pounds yesterday ( I still don't fully trust my scale. I'm getting a new one today.). And because I specialize in self sabotage I took my kids to Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut! Pizza is a weight loss No No. I ate two pieces and vowed I wouldn't eat anymore for the entire day!...of course that didn't last. I bent, and ate a salad...then I broke and ate two more pieces of pizza. I was devastatingly  upset with myself. I'm weak. So I worked out for thirty minutes...then I worked out again for another 30 minutes. I had plans to work out again before bed but the kids needed for something, by time I was done I was too tired to do it.
Luckily!!!! When I got on the scale this morning. I was down to 244.6 pounds. Yes! I'm so excited. Eating pizza, even pizza as delicious, and oily, and bread heavy, as Pizza Hut's did not throw me off my weight loss. Yes! I have to be better in the future but wow, am I happy!

So now, I'm like, I'm gonna do two 30 minute walks every day. It will get me to my goal so much faster. And this is just the beginning. I don't want to get ahead of myself though. Lets see how the rest of the week goes. But YA! To be down almost six pounds this week is very, very encouraging. Keep it up.

Starting Weight:   250 pounds

Weight Now:       244.6 pounds

Day 10

So today I weighed in at 246.0! Yes! Finally moving in the right direction. I worked out for a half hour yesterday. I only ate once. and I didn't eat after 6pm. I even went to bed around 10. I might be on the right track finally. I have to say I did eat a sweet yesterday. Well see if that shows up on the scale tomorrow. I have a theory that it takes up to two days to show on the scale whether you were good or bad. So I'll see where I am in the morning.
I'm sticking with this week's goal: working out five days in a row. And we'll see what happens. I'm excited.

I was down to 245 some time last week but I'm not sure the scale was correct because I ate lasagna  and was up like five pounds the very next day. I'm just gonna keep it moving and keep it off.

The euphoria of weight loss combats my depression.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 246 Pounds

Why I eat...

So, in the last week, I weighed in at 250 pounds went down to 245.8 then went back up to 250.6. I hate trying to lose weight. It's so hard for me. Every slip up shows on the scale. The last two days I've been comfort eating, and immediately regreting it. I see I could easily  become bulimic...if I didn't hate throwing up so much. So I didn't throw up but I wanted to. Two days ago, I really wanted something sweet but nothing was in the house. If I lived back in Brooklyn, I'd walk down the street and buy something from the bodega. But I don't. I live in the country, seven miles from the nearest gas station or store. We only have one car which my husband had and I had three dollars to my name. It's two days until pay day. I'm depressed because even though we get paid on Monday, within in 24 hours it will be like it never happened. Every bill is due and as usual there isn't enough money to cover the bills. Every month or other I seem to be having this problem. There just isn't any extra. I could work full time and put the kids in daycare...but i'd be just as broke and working twice as hard. So, I really needed some comfort food. I really could have used some sweets. Oh well, so I ate lasagna. A meat heavy, cheese heavy, sauce heavy 2 pound piece of lasagna. I ate it...then I wanted to vomit. I turned around a few hours later and ate beans, northern white beans...made with ham hocks. It wasn't a good idea. No wonder I was back up to 250 (stupid scale). I was miserable. It was frozen left overs from Christmas. I think I'll toss the rest.
Last night I did better. I had a bowl of beans but that was it and I threw away the rest. I love beans. I was proud of myself for just having the one meal. ...But at midnight I found myself eating turkey tacos. Probably not the best idea. If I could give up eating after 6 or 7pm that would be a real accomplishment, and helpful. I have to stop the night meals. My husband comes home at 10pm and I feed him and end up feeding myself...again. I eat for no reason, or should I say for every reason. I feel sluggish all the time and tired all the time but never too tired or sluggish to eat. I'm depressed a lot. I have a lot riding on my shoulders with my home, and kids and family in general, not to mention my job.
I have to remember to stay on track no matter how many times I deviate, stray and mess up. The goal is the goal. I have 180 days to lose 50 pounds. Even if I blow off a month, that's still losing a pound every three days. Its totally possible! Stay Focused! Stay Focused!

I'm not crazy right?...post a comment.

Starting Weight: 250 pounds
Weight Now: 248.8 pounds

Workout Yesterday: 30 minutes on the treadmill/140 calories

Day 8

Ok, so it's been a week, and this sucks. Starting to go thru the sweets withdrawl. In the last week I'v only worked out twice. It's better than before but not good enough. I was doing well with eating except yesterday I ate lasagna...not good. It wasn't even that tasty but I was feeling to sick to cook. I think I'm coming down with a cold. I wanted to make some cookies. If I had two tablespoons of milk it would have been made!

I got on the scale this morning and it said 250.6. That's bigger than when I started this thing 8 days ago. Damn the lasagna! This week my goal is to work out 5 times for at least 30 minutes each day.

Making it happen!!!!

...plus I think my scale is broken. I'm buying a new one.

My husband...he did it.

So, the other day I was writing my blog and I was saying how my husband and I have been together for 17 years and we've grown very comfortable with one another, as most married couples do. We've always had fun together but most of our lives we've done the same fun stuff, dinner and a movie. We both love to eat and we both love to watch movies, so its no wonder that I'm 250 pounds and he was up to 300 pounds. But no matter what, he and I have always given each other same unconditional love, I love you no matter what. And its true. He's nine years older than me so when he's old and gray and I'm still a sexy, spring chicken, I'm still gonna love him. We 've put each other through the paces in the last 17 years, and not matter what, we still love each other. I've never minded his weight...and he's never minded mine...until now.

Recently,  June 2009, he purchased P90x. We also happened to get a treadmill right about the same time, gifted by my mother to my daughter (7 years old) which actually was really great. So he started working out and he was walking and doing the workouts then going to work and lifting weights with his buddies on his lunch break. He did amazing. He lost a ton of weight. At his lowest, last year, I think he was down to 260 or 265. He looked great. He felt great. He feels great. Now, he's put a couple pounds back on over the holidays, due to my unintentional and quite innocent sabotage of him. The whole holiday I made all his favorites and even created some new ones. But he's back on the band wagon now and headed back down the scale. His goal is about 225. I'm sure he'll be able to do it.

I have to say, I love my husband's new body. He's really looking sexy. But I also have to say I feel threatened in some way by how CLOSE his weight is to mine. I would not be happy if I weighed more than my husband. I see those couples all the time and you always think, "what does he see in her?". I don't want that to be me. So pretty much everything is contributing to my new found zeal to lose weight.

Well, after repeated reaffirmations and conversations, he finally did it. He finally said, "I want you to lose weight.". How devastating! ...ok, not really. Who wouldn't want a hot, young wife? I get it. I just thought he'd always be ok with me however I was...and he's not even though he still says he is. To his credit, it probably took him the last 10 years to say that, he's very sweet and kind to me. He even went so far as to say if it doesn't happen thats fine, he will always love me, however I am, no matter what, but he'd like to me to try because there would be so many benefits, I would be so sexy, sex would be better...I'd live longer. I can't argue with any of that. I was motivated before but I'm really motivated now. I haven't been doing real well the last 5 days. I've been finishing off all the indulgences in the house, as opposed to throwing them away. Stupid. I'm never going to make my goal unless I get with it. I want to do it for me, and for my kids and for him. I want him to be proud of me and proud to be seen with me. So I'm ready.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds

Weight Now: 248.8 Pounds

Workout: 30 minutes on the treadmill (185 calories burned)

Food: Tea, water, sandwich (roast beef, cheddar cheese, mayo, tomato, wheat bread), four pieces of baked chicken with hot sauce (3 thighs, 1 drum leg)