Why I eat...

So, in the last week, I weighed in at 250 pounds went down to 245.8 then went back up to 250.6. I hate trying to lose weight. It's so hard for me. Every slip up shows on the scale. The last two days I've been comfort eating, and immediately regreting it. I see I could easily  become bulimic...if I didn't hate throwing up so much. So I didn't throw up but I wanted to. Two days ago, I really wanted something sweet but nothing was in the house. If I lived back in Brooklyn, I'd walk down the street and buy something from the bodega. But I don't. I live in the country, seven miles from the nearest gas station or store. We only have one car which my husband had and I had three dollars to my name. It's two days until pay day. I'm depressed because even though we get paid on Monday, within in 24 hours it will be like it never happened. Every bill is due and as usual there isn't enough money to cover the bills. Every month or other I seem to be having this problem. There just isn't any extra. I could work full time and put the kids in daycare...but i'd be just as broke and working twice as hard. So, I really needed some comfort food. I really could have used some sweets. Oh well, so I ate lasagna. A meat heavy, cheese heavy, sauce heavy 2 pound piece of lasagna. I ate it...then I wanted to vomit. I turned around a few hours later and ate beans, northern white beans...made with ham hocks. It wasn't a good idea. No wonder I was back up to 250 (stupid scale). I was miserable. It was frozen left overs from Christmas. I think I'll toss the rest.
Last night I did better. I had a bowl of beans but that was it and I threw away the rest. I love beans. I was proud of myself for just having the one meal. ...But at midnight I found myself eating turkey tacos. Probably not the best idea. If I could give up eating after 6 or 7pm that would be a real accomplishment, and helpful. I have to stop the night meals. My husband comes home at 10pm and I feed him and end up feeding myself...again. I eat for no reason, or should I say for every reason. I feel sluggish all the time and tired all the time but never too tired or sluggish to eat. I'm depressed a lot. I have a lot riding on my shoulders with my home, and kids and family in general, not to mention my job.
I have to remember to stay on track no matter how many times I deviate, stray and mess up. The goal is the goal. I have 180 days to lose 50 pounds. Even if I blow off a month, that's still losing a pound every three days. Its totally possible! Stay Focused! Stay Focused!

I'm not crazy right?...post a comment.

Starting Weight: 250 pounds
Weight Now: 248.8 pounds

Workout Yesterday: 30 minutes on the treadmill/140 calories