Month 3 Day19

I quit. Nobody cares about my weight loss or lack of. I got a new job and I just don't have the time to blog or work out so I quit. Sorry guys. Its month three and I should be down like 30 pounds and I'm only down 3. Its not that I don't think its possible. It would be possible by a more determined person but I've lost my incentive and with the new job I'm gone 12 hours a day. I just haven't figured out how I can make any of this work right now. And I won't be needing that swim suit after all this summer. I don't have a pool. I hate lakes and I'm not going to the islands like I planned...now that I have this new job. ya! :-(

So I quit. Sorry to let you down followers(aka mom).  LOL. :-)

Peace People!

...BUT! If by some miraculous turn of events I learn balance in my life, fit in working out and actually lose any weight later on this year...I'll be sure to post it...promise. :-)

Gave up before day 90...like 99% of all new year's resolution makers...sad!

Month 3 - Day 3

I started a new job this week. I have different hours now. I'm in training this week and start my real schedule next week. I work until 9 at night so if I can just figure out how not to eat anything when I come home at night...I'll be good. Not eating late has worked for me in the past. I worked out yesterday and am about to work out now. I did 45minutes/2 miles on the treadmill. Yes, it was slow but its a start. And I'll do it again today. And I'll try to stick with this. I did have two beers last night, I was a little stressed but I was 247 yesterday, 245 after I worked out and 247 this morning. I had a short lunch at 5:30 yesterday, but I think I ate way too much then with the beer that didn't help. But anyway, I'm trying...again. Don't give up on me. I could really use the support. My husband wants to help me but it always feel like he's trying to put me thru boot camp. That's not my way. I'm way too much of a control freak to hand over control of my life, body or workout for that matter to someone else. Anyway, stay tuned.

Day One - Third Month

Alright people. I fucked up. I was down to 241 and now I'm back up to 247. My weight loss efforts are being hampered...by me. I am a self sabotage. Why else would I eat lemon cheesecake after getting down nine pounds. I shared it with my family but so what. I shouldn't have had it. And not one ...but two. There may be no help for me.

Today I start a new job. New hours, new duties. Looking forward to it...but I'm not sure how this new position will effect my weight loss attempts. Its not like I been doing that well to begin with. So...we'll see. I'll keep you up to date.

Day 52 - Woo Hoo!!!

So... I got drunk last night...went out and had a good old time. I've been so depressed. I was convinced that I would never see any significant weight loss past the same five pounds  that I go up and down. I drank and danced the night away. I woke up this morning...and I was 241 Pounds! Seriously! Ok. I didn't eat much yesterday, I know that, but dang. I danced a little, enough that my knees hurt (I'm getting too old for this shit). But I'm officially down nine pounds! Yes! Ok, so the logic in me says "hey, your dumb ass is just dehydrated! You lost water weight! It don't count!". But you know what I don't care. Its just what I needed to see when I needed to see it. I can do this. Ok granted I'm 11 pounds behind in from where I should be at the end of month two but if I can just keep going.

Last week I was all so motivated. I bought a new ball to do my sit ups on and a new work out tape by the guys on the Biggest Loser. I did the new work out tape. I did an old work out tape for the ball and the next day I hurt so bad! Why? Why does it have to hurt so bad? I was so messed up I couldn't work out for a couple days and then I didn't want to work out because it hurt so bad. Today I'm hung over but tomorrow is a new day...again. LOL. I really want to do this

All I had yesterday was a fish filet sandwich and I went to the park with the kids, pushed them on the swing, ran around the track and danced all night (and drank) until one in the morning. Is that the recipe to weight loss?

Midway in to Month Two

Ok...So...I'm not doing so good. I must appear to be taking this thing as a joke. I'm not. Although the tears, despair and frustration or commitment may not be getting properly expressed in my blog, I am really going  thru it.

This week I did nothing to follow thru on my commitment to weight loss. I admit that. I've been wrapped up in making a great birthday for my little girl and I was successful. She had a great weekend. And I...am back up to 249 pounds. One pound shy of my starting weight. I realize how bad this looks. I only had one piece of cake, but I had full calorie soda, I ate too much food, and even though I exercised once this week. It was not enough.

At this point I'm supposed to be 15 pounds lighter to be on schedule. I'm only 1 pound lighter. So I'm rededicating myself to this endeavor. I'm going to do more and do better. The new plan is not to take it so light. I was losing pounds just by not eating or just by not eating a lot of fattening things, and occasionally working out. I have to drink much more water and do much more work outs. I can't just take the week off because my "aunt flow" is in town. I gotta keep chugging. I can do this! I will! I will. I will.

I'm gonna buy a new ball for the sit ups, buy another workout tape, do P90x.  I can do this. I will. You are gonna be so proud of me. So proud.

Month two, Day eight...boy!

Boy! This shit is hard. I was in a bad place for a minute. I was down to 245, went out to a friends house for a get together and was backup two pounds. Every little thing HURTS this weight loss thing. I have to be so careful. I'm back down to 245.

I'm so mad. By this time in my time line I imagined I'd be down ten pounds and well in to this month's weight loss. Instead I am only half way to last month's goal. AND there is no comfort in sight. It's Valentine's Day Week so we're having a "Date". They'll be dancing and dinners and movies and drinks...lots of drinks. :-) All of which is great and I'm excited for that BUT that's a hinderance to my weight loss. I can't keep going up five and down five for the next six months I need to see PROGRESS. So I will exercise this week but I expect it to be a total wash and next week to be right back at it hard.

I haven't exercised much. I did on thurs then went out and ate too much then friday was a relax day and sat was a birthday party, and sun was the superbowl, so...I been busy but today I'm ready to hit the treadmill.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 245 Pounds

Awww Schucks!

So I haven't written in a few days. I've been all over the globe with my emotions and I really need to re-group...again. It's not good to write in this condition if other people are going to see it because it turns in to one big ramble, but here it goes:

I was broke. I had no money. The house was bare and I wasn't sure I was gonna be able to pay the rent. I was depressed and frustrated. I'd been drinking a lot. I had to get a pay day loan to make the rent and my mother sent me money to get by until pay day. I bought some essentials for the house and that was gone and it was still a week until payday. I was thinking on the bright side. "There's nothing to eat." I woke up Thursday with renewed vigor. I was frustrated that I haven't been getting any weight off, so I planned to work out three times that day. I was at 245 and desperately wanted to see 240. I got on the treadmill first thing in the morning and did my 30 minute workout, then walked for another half hour, then lifted weights. I felt good. I felt strong. I felt in control and disciplined. I had planned to work out some more later on in the day, but a friend called, she was feeling lonely and was inviting the whole family over for dinner. How could I refuse. Long story short, I ate...and ate. And was two pounds heavier the next day. I'm sure the beer didn't help. Damn Food!

 I'll recover and return soon. Promise.

Guilt or Punishment...just might work.

So I saw 245 again today. Feels good just gotta keep going. Didn't workout again yesterday. I guess I do have to be punished...or guilted in to exercise. Well, I'll walk later...maybe.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 245 Pounds

Workout Yesterday: None

Food Diary: two turkey hotdogs, a chicken breast, burger and fries ( I know! I know!)

Exercise by Guilt

My husband says to me yesterday, "You need a penalty". "A what?", I ask him. "A penalty, a punishment for not exercising".

Now as you can imagine, this conversation is not going to go well, not if you know me, because all I hear is: "Your lazy, fat, ass has been sliding by for years only doing what you want when you want and now if you are not gonna do what you promised I think you should be punished".

Now I won't tell you he went on, in typical male fashion, to "jokingly" suggest my "punishment" be some type of twisted, painful, sexual favor, which I did not find funny, since I was already pretty insulted. We went on to finish that conversation where I explained I don't appreciate the idea of torture and he went on to explain that he was joking but nothing motivates me, and I need to get started. I need to get on the ball.

After I finished sulking (this morning), I realize that my success in this endeavor is important to him, and possibly important to our marriage. He is probably tired of having a pretty but fat wife. He probably doesn't know how to say that to me without me trying to castrate him. So last night I exercised, but I was mad about it because I hadn't felt like I did it because I wanted to or needed to. I did it because he guilted me in to it. It was 9:30 at night and I wouldn't have if it wasn't for him. But I couldn't let him come home and find that I didn't do again what I've been  promising.

So last night, I didn't have any drinks ,which I do often, and I don't list it on my food journal cause I don't need you judging me. :-) I didn't have any ice cream...and I wasn't a pound lighter this morning. Now that just made me mad. There seems to be not direct corelation between exercising and losing weight. What's that about? I've seen results from not eating late and from eating well and even from getting enough sleep but not so much from exercise. Shouldn't that produce immediate results?

I give up...and just keep going. I'm off to exercise.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 246.4 Pounds

Workout: 30 minutes on the treadmill (program 1)

Food Diary: Spaghetti for dinner, chicken and a big salad for lunch.

Day One - Month Two

It's February 1st, it's a new day and a new month. Today is new and it will be different. Today I will exercise. Today I will work out for a full half hour! Don't want to push myself too hard. I still have laundry, mopping, dishes, and vacuuming to do. But today I will exercise... and will do it for the next four days. Monday thru Friday, I'm challenging myself ...again. I failed before but I won't this time and the work will be evident. Wish me luck.

...and no more ice cream this week. Promise.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 246.4 Pounds

Workout Yesterday: None

Food Diary: Pasta, three servings, small amounts, water, and...three Haagen Dagz ice cream bars. Tomorrow is another day.

I got one comment!

So... I got some encouraging words today. That was AWESOME! Thank you whoever you are. :-) I needed that. I'm only half way to my month one goal and it's already month two! But I'm not discouraged. I know what I'm doing wrong and I can fix it. I can change. I will slip up...like with those three haagen dagz ice cream bars I had last night BUT I can get back on track! So I'm focused and rejuvenated. Rejuvenated by your words, so please don't hesitate, if you are reading, please comment. It helps to know my words are not just floating out in the universe.

Day 30

So far I learned I have to exercise...Duh! I have to not eat after 6 or 7pm. I have to eat regularly and not deny myself sweets. Must learn moderation!

Month one and I'm down almost five pounds. I'm 5 and a half pounds behind schedule, but I've made progress and I've learned.

I can do this.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 245.7 Pounds

Well...let's recap the month.

Well...its been 29 days into my weight loss journey and its been hard. I had a bad period and a bout of depression and well... just really poor discipline, and choices. I'm at 247 pounds. I've been as low as 7 pounds down this month, but right now I'm only 3 pounds down.

I gave up beer, but I haven't been exercising consistently. I've only made it to bed at a decent hour a few times this month. I'm not a much of a junk food eater but I've had more than my share of fast food this month. And basically I've been weak and indulgent, which is my problem in the first place. I've got to get more on the ball. I've been drinking a lot too. And that's not helping. I like to party. But I guess I have to wait to celebrate until I reach my goal weight in 6, I mean 5 months.

I'm gonna regroup...get right in the head...and pick up where I left off a couple weeks ago. I can do this.  Stay tuned.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now:     247 Pounds

Day 23

Tonight, I've been drinking so forgive my rambling. I'm really in a state this evening. This is like my food diary only not about food. More about feelings and insight. The type of insight that only comes after you have 4 or 5 drinks. Ok, I've only had three but I plan to stick it out until I make it to 4...or 5.
I'm a horrible human being. I say that I'm no couch potato, turn off cable (its too damn expensive anyway) but when I do...I spend 7 hours in front of the computer screen trying to catch up on my favorite shows (Desperate Housewives, Heroes, Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice). I'm a horrible person, even worse a horrible mother. What good mother could even pull that off? I spent no time with my kids today...or yesterday. I was good about missing the shows for a week...even two then I just had to see them, all in one day even! I'm sick. This has to be an illness. And somewhere before the realization of just how sick an individual I have to be to do that has even hit me, what do I decide to do????? BAKE COOKIES!!!!! Its like eating my feelings was a thought before it was even a thought. Now!!!!!! 12 cookies later and three drinks, I might add, I'm feeling like a piece of shit person, weight loss loser, mother, and wife...oh yeah, did I mention that I did no cleaning today. A family of four must clean every day, even if its just the dishes. I didn't even do that!!! Oh, Yeah! ...and they had hot dogs for dinner...again. I'm the world's worst mother and I suck.

...to my credit I did go on a hike with my kids up a mountain side,  which they have been dying to do, but to my discredit it was after three shows, after which I passed out for a 20 minute nap then watched two more shows while they went splash splash.

...am I the world's worst mother? ...and weight loss loser? This morning I was 243! Down an official 6 pounds. then I go and do this...good luck to me tomorrow morning. I have 7 days to lose 4 pounds or I'm already off schedule. I can't afford that.  Not one month in. I know I haven't been trying that hard but I thought the first 10 would be easy. This sucks. Nothing is easy!!!!!

Starting Weight:  250 Pounds
Weight Now:     234 Pounds

Food Diary: I've been eating Chili all week ( just for the last three days). It has its drawbacks and benefits. Today I'm back on to salads.

Workouts: Hike up hill - 30 minutes. I couldn't breathe most of the way up the hill so I hope that counted as a work out.

Day 21

Ok, so I'm down to 244 today. I want to get four pounds off quick. I think I'm gonna have to get ...extreme. I need to lose 10 pounds a month to stay on schedule. On my days off, I don't work out. And I really haven't worked out this week at all. I'm at the end of my period and planning to make a big return to working out tomorrow. Fridays are my mondays. Starting fresh on Monday (Friday).

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now:     244 Pounds

Food Diary: I ate chicken and rice and cabbage, and Wendy's chicken nuggets and fries yesterday. Obviously, not a good idea.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey!

So I've been having a horrible period. I'm lethargic, bleeding to death, dying slowly, if you will. Needless to say I have zero interest in running (or walking) on a treadmill (my only form of exercise at this point). I'm so tired, I can barely get the laundry done or dinner made. I'd like to mention, I'm already a low speed individual on the norm so this is not good. I'm bloated and my back hurts. Some months I HATE being a woman, being a FAT WOMAN only intensifies that feeling and I will spare you the details of how being FAT affects having your period.
But here, I have a bright light this month. It just happens to be at the end of a very long tunnel, I haven't been eating late at night, (although I have had a hand full of gummi bears for my sugar rush lately), and I've been going to bed early to get rest...and I'm down to 243.4! I'm so excited. down almost 7 pounds this month. This is good. This is very good.!

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now:   243.4

Workout Yesterday: None

Food Diary: I made a big pot of chicken and rice a couple days ago. My husband asked me to make it but ate it once, so did the kids so I've been stuck eating it (cause I hate to waste food, its part of my problem). So, I've been eating chicken and rice for the last couple of days. I've had a hand full of gummi bears to quench my thirst for sweets and I've been keeping the house pretty bare of anything that doesn't require cooking. The poor kids, no snacks, no fats. The only thing I've been stocking is meat and salad. Poor me! (not really, I love salad...until I don't. When I'm tired of something I'm over it... then I come back to it later. I'm fickle.)

Day 16 - woman business

Well, this ought to be fun. My period is coming. I become a  mean, angry raging lunatic about 3 to 4 times a year when I have a bad period and I feel it coming. I'm hungry all the time and very easily irritated. I'm sure its some type of hormonal inbalance thing but the last thing my body needs is more chemistry to try and fix my messed up chemistry. Worst of all this is a really fattening time for me. I eat my feelings, so I'm impatient with the kids, and eat my feelings, angry at my husband and eat my feelings, mad the house is dirty and eat my feelings, pissed off the computer isn't working and eat my feelings. In a week I'll be up 5 pounds. I'm going to be as good as I can. Working out is really hard at "that time of the month". But I'll do what I can. It's going to be a rough week.

I'm still at 247.2. I ate late last night. I shouldn't have done that.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now 247.2 Pounds

Food Diary: Yesterday I had coffee, a big salad with chicken breast, later in the night I had sunflower seeds two turkey tacos and two "drinks", AND a small bowl of brown rice, turkey and green beans.
No wonder why I didn't lose a pound. Then I went to bed at midnight.

Workout Yesterday: 30 minutes on the treadmill (program 1)

Day 15

So I'm fifteen days in and I'm a hot mess. I only down 3 pounds right now. 247.2. Sad.

I was bad. I was off the last two days and didn't do any work outs. I put back on 2-3 pounds. I ate popcorn and cookies and sunflower seeds. BACON! Boy was I bad. At least if I'm gonna do stuff like that I gotta work harder on my five days of workouts. I missed the fifth day of my commitment to working out 5 days a week. I gotta step it up a notch. I'm demotivated but motivated. I'm demotivated because I'm not maintaining my weight loss, but I'm motivated that at least its coming off. Doesn't help that I keep putting some back on.

I bought that fancy new scale I wanted. It's huge. It tells you your weight (of course), your Body Mass Index, you water percentage and your bone mass (or something like that). It says I'm 53% Body FAT. OMG! That's crazy! My husband thinks I'm crazy trying to lose a hundred pounds, expecially in one year, he thinks I'm too old to ever see that weight again. We'll see. I'm gonna try and prove him wrong. But the scale is basically saying if I lose half my weight (provided its all fat) I'd be at zero body fat. I know that ain't possible, that's for sure. Either way, I don't want to get crazy about the numbers. For now I just want to see the weight loss. The only number that matters to me is the the scale's numbers showing my weight going down.

I've got to get cracking!

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now:     247.2 Pounds


Food Diary: Last night I had, chicken breast with a huge salad, about 8 iced oatmeal cookies, a cup of sunflower seeds, 8 chicken nuggets (Mcd's) earlier.


Workout Yesterday: None

Day 13

My zest and zeal are gone. I was all "gung ho" about losing weight after being down 5 and a half pounds in a week. Then I got paid. I bought a philly cheese steak sandwich yesterday! After two days of pizza! Really?!!!! Then topped that off with a midnight feeding of Carls Jr's Mushroom burger! Does this sound like a person who is serious about weight loss. I'm so weak! I was gonna work out two times yesterday to make up for it and didn't even make it thru one workout. I really do suck.

Today, I went to the movies. (Sidenote: Avatar was AWESOME!!!) Of course, I couldn't resist the popcorn and soda. Didn't eat anything else today but who needs to I'm still bloated from the midnight mushroom burger. The family (meaning the husband) already decided tonight its breakfast for dinner. That's bound to be good and fattening. Bacon, eggs, bagels, butter. I'll never get this weight off.

How many calories in a shot of Vodka?...a big shot?

I'm getting my new scale tomorrow. It has hydration meters and reads your BMI. I can't weight. :-)
It can show me, in a whole new way, and far more detail, how horribly I'm screwing up.

Starting Weight: 250 pounds
Weight Now:    246.8 pounds

Day 12

Today I'm slightly down. I was hoping for more weight to come off today but I must not have gotten the formula right. I was so excited that I was able to lose weight even though I was eating pizza yesterday. I even ate pizza again (only two slices this time) but didn't eat anything else except for a couple crackers and some yogurt. My weight this morning was 244.8. Up .2 pounds. I didn't sleep well, I didn't eat enough I think, and I didn't work out twice like I did yesterday. So I didn't get the formula right, but I will. By golly, I will. I'm more determined than ever now. It's possible. It is.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now:     244.8 Pounds

Day 11

Ok. So I was stoked about having lost 4 pounds yesterday ( I still don't fully trust my scale. I'm getting a new one today.). And because I specialize in self sabotage I took my kids to Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut! Pizza is a weight loss No No. I ate two pieces and vowed I wouldn't eat anymore for the entire day!...of course that didn't last. I bent, and ate a salad...then I broke and ate two more pieces of pizza. I was devastatingly  upset with myself. I'm weak. So I worked out for thirty minutes...then I worked out again for another 30 minutes. I had plans to work out again before bed but the kids needed for something, by time I was done I was too tired to do it.
Luckily!!!! When I got on the scale this morning. I was down to 244.6 pounds. Yes! I'm so excited. Eating pizza, even pizza as delicious, and oily, and bread heavy, as Pizza Hut's did not throw me off my weight loss. Yes! I have to be better in the future but wow, am I happy!

So now, I'm like, I'm gonna do two 30 minute walks every day. It will get me to my goal so much faster. And this is just the beginning. I don't want to get ahead of myself though. Lets see how the rest of the week goes. But YA! To be down almost six pounds this week is very, very encouraging. Keep it up.

Starting Weight:   250 pounds

Weight Now:       244.6 pounds

Day 10

So today I weighed in at 246.0! Yes! Finally moving in the right direction. I worked out for a half hour yesterday. I only ate once. and I didn't eat after 6pm. I even went to bed around 10. I might be on the right track finally. I have to say I did eat a sweet yesterday. Well see if that shows up on the scale tomorrow. I have a theory that it takes up to two days to show on the scale whether you were good or bad. So I'll see where I am in the morning.
I'm sticking with this week's goal: working out five days in a row. And we'll see what happens. I'm excited.

I was down to 245 some time last week but I'm not sure the scale was correct because I ate lasagna  and was up like five pounds the very next day. I'm just gonna keep it moving and keep it off.

The euphoria of weight loss combats my depression.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds
Weight Now: 246 Pounds

Why I eat...

So, in the last week, I weighed in at 250 pounds went down to 245.8 then went back up to 250.6. I hate trying to lose weight. It's so hard for me. Every slip up shows on the scale. The last two days I've been comfort eating, and immediately regreting it. I see I could easily  become bulimic...if I didn't hate throwing up so much. So I didn't throw up but I wanted to. Two days ago, I really wanted something sweet but nothing was in the house. If I lived back in Brooklyn, I'd walk down the street and buy something from the bodega. But I don't. I live in the country, seven miles from the nearest gas station or store. We only have one car which my husband had and I had three dollars to my name. It's two days until pay day. I'm depressed because even though we get paid on Monday, within in 24 hours it will be like it never happened. Every bill is due and as usual there isn't enough money to cover the bills. Every month or other I seem to be having this problem. There just isn't any extra. I could work full time and put the kids in daycare...but i'd be just as broke and working twice as hard. So, I really needed some comfort food. I really could have used some sweets. Oh well, so I ate lasagna. A meat heavy, cheese heavy, sauce heavy 2 pound piece of lasagna. I ate it...then I wanted to vomit. I turned around a few hours later and ate beans, northern white beans...made with ham hocks. It wasn't a good idea. No wonder I was back up to 250 (stupid scale). I was miserable. It was frozen left overs from Christmas. I think I'll toss the rest.
Last night I did better. I had a bowl of beans but that was it and I threw away the rest. I love beans. I was proud of myself for just having the one meal. ...But at midnight I found myself eating turkey tacos. Probably not the best idea. If I could give up eating after 6 or 7pm that would be a real accomplishment, and helpful. I have to stop the night meals. My husband comes home at 10pm and I feed him and end up feeding myself...again. I eat for no reason, or should I say for every reason. I feel sluggish all the time and tired all the time but never too tired or sluggish to eat. I'm depressed a lot. I have a lot riding on my shoulders with my home, and kids and family in general, not to mention my job.
I have to remember to stay on track no matter how many times I deviate, stray and mess up. The goal is the goal. I have 180 days to lose 50 pounds. Even if I blow off a month, that's still losing a pound every three days. Its totally possible! Stay Focused! Stay Focused!

I'm not crazy right?...post a comment.

Starting Weight: 250 pounds
Weight Now: 248.8 pounds

Workout Yesterday: 30 minutes on the treadmill/140 calories

Day 8

Ok, so it's been a week, and this sucks. Starting to go thru the sweets withdrawl. In the last week I'v only worked out twice. It's better than before but not good enough. I was doing well with eating except yesterday I ate lasagna...not good. It wasn't even that tasty but I was feeling to sick to cook. I think I'm coming down with a cold. I wanted to make some cookies. If I had two tablespoons of milk it would have been made!

I got on the scale this morning and it said 250.6. That's bigger than when I started this thing 8 days ago. Damn the lasagna! This week my goal is to work out 5 times for at least 30 minutes each day.

Making it happen!!!!

...plus I think my scale is broken. I'm buying a new one.

My husband...he did it.

So, the other day I was writing my blog and I was saying how my husband and I have been together for 17 years and we've grown very comfortable with one another, as most married couples do. We've always had fun together but most of our lives we've done the same fun stuff, dinner and a movie. We both love to eat and we both love to watch movies, so its no wonder that I'm 250 pounds and he was up to 300 pounds. But no matter what, he and I have always given each other same unconditional love, I love you no matter what. And its true. He's nine years older than me so when he's old and gray and I'm still a sexy, spring chicken, I'm still gonna love him. We 've put each other through the paces in the last 17 years, and not matter what, we still love each other. I've never minded his weight...and he's never minded mine...until now.

Recently,  June 2009, he purchased P90x. We also happened to get a treadmill right about the same time, gifted by my mother to my daughter (7 years old) which actually was really great. So he started working out and he was walking and doing the workouts then going to work and lifting weights with his buddies on his lunch break. He did amazing. He lost a ton of weight. At his lowest, last year, I think he was down to 260 or 265. He looked great. He felt great. He feels great. Now, he's put a couple pounds back on over the holidays, due to my unintentional and quite innocent sabotage of him. The whole holiday I made all his favorites and even created some new ones. But he's back on the band wagon now and headed back down the scale. His goal is about 225. I'm sure he'll be able to do it.

I have to say, I love my husband's new body. He's really looking sexy. But I also have to say I feel threatened in some way by how CLOSE his weight is to mine. I would not be happy if I weighed more than my husband. I see those couples all the time and you always think, "what does he see in her?". I don't want that to be me. So pretty much everything is contributing to my new found zeal to lose weight.

Well, after repeated reaffirmations and conversations, he finally did it. He finally said, "I want you to lose weight.". How devastating! ...ok, not really. Who wouldn't want a hot, young wife? I get it. I just thought he'd always be ok with me however I was...and he's not even though he still says he is. To his credit, it probably took him the last 10 years to say that, he's very sweet and kind to me. He even went so far as to say if it doesn't happen thats fine, he will always love me, however I am, no matter what, but he'd like to me to try because there would be so many benefits, I would be so sexy, sex would be better...I'd live longer. I can't argue with any of that. I was motivated before but I'm really motivated now. I haven't been doing real well the last 5 days. I've been finishing off all the indulgences in the house, as opposed to throwing them away. Stupid. I'm never going to make my goal unless I get with it. I want to do it for me, and for my kids and for him. I want him to be proud of me and proud to be seen with me. So I'm ready.

Starting Weight: 250 Pounds

Weight Now: 248.8 Pounds

Workout: 30 minutes on the treadmill (185 calories burned)

Food: Tea, water, sandwich (roast beef, cheddar cheese, mayo, tomato, wheat bread), four pieces of baked chicken with hot sauce (3 thighs, 1 drum leg)

My Blog Inspiration

Inspiration can come from anywhere for anything. But its not enough. I watch So You Think You Can Dance all the time and I'm inspired to dance. I want to move, I want to Cha Cha! But I don't. I don't know what I'm doing. But like a million other people on the planet, I was inspired to start a blog by a person... and a movie.

So the person that inspired my reason for blogging was my mother. I love her to death but she's been critical of  my weight, and eating habits my whole life. She's finally given up bickering with me about it since it gets her nowhere. She  only sees me once every five years or so anyway. She's realized its just not worth the headache. We'll delve more in to my semi -twisted, mother -daughter relationship later, but she's the reason. This summer I'm going to go visit her and we're planning on taking the kids to the beach for the first time and its going to be amazing. I don't want the whole moment to be overshadowed by her awe and disgust at how fat I've gotten. I don't want to take away from the kids experience because I feel so overly self conscious. And I don't want to have to wear men's swimming trunks over my swimsuit. Not cute. So, everyone benefits.

Now a month or two ago I watched the movie, Julie and Julia. I just loved it. I love movies in general but I really really liked this one. It, what do they call it, "struck a chord" with me. I related to the character of Julie, deeply.

And if you haven't seen it, it's the cutest movie about this twenty something woman, working a job, its just a job, no real purpose in her life. She's married. She quits everything, doesn't follow through, but loves to cook. She then takes on this one year project of making all 500 and some odd recipes in Julia Childs cook book and blogs about it. She was a writer in her heart, and a pretty good cook too, from the looks of it and it just tells about what she goes through and shares some details about Julia Childs too.

But I was really taken with the character of Julie and the idea of blogging. The idea of putting your thoughts and ideas out in to the universe where people all over the planet can hear you, relate to you, understand you, feel your vibe. I love that idea. I don't know how people will find me. Thats a little bit of technological magic, but it's amazing. I decided then, I want to do that.

And as for Julie, she's me. I'm a writer in my heart, and I can cook but thats part of the problem. I love everything I cook a little too much. I found this amazingly simple recipe online, over the holidays, for a dessert with sweetened milk, graham crackersand butter, and chocolate chips. It was amazing, quick and easy, I'm sure it put a 1000 calories in my mouth with each bite, but boy was it good.

So I was inspired to blog. And boy, do I have a reason to blog. Of course this year, like every year, I made the resolution to really try to lose weight this time. But I need a sense of accountability. I joined Weight Watchers At Work but that's not working because I just keep skipping the meetings. I do feel a sense of urgency now though. I'm almost 40. It just keeps getting harder from here. It's taken 20 years to put on this 100 pounds and soon its gonna be damn near impossible. Plus the weight is really starting to be an issue. I can't stand for long, in a line or at the store. I'm tired after washing the dishes. Now you know that's ridiculous! And I have to say the sexual flexibility is slipping away, not to mention the stamina and little bit of the drive. I can't have that! So I'm on it. I'm determined and having the accountability to my blog feels like enough of a push but the dread of putting on a swimsuit this summer is an even bigger push. Hence the first deadline of 50 pounds by June 30th. Wish me luck! Stay it out with me, or join me! Let's talk.



Starting Weight: 250 pounds

Weight: 249 pounds

Workout: None...what? I was busy!

Food:
So. It's day 4 of my Lovely "so called" weight loss "diet". It's already gone to crap! I suck. Well, not really me. My life sucks. My nutritional intake for the day was peanut butter crackers, a chicken pattie sandwich, french fries (with ketchup and ranch)...and five beers. I know! I know!  I didn't even try. It was horrible. I've got these beers left over in my fridge from new year's eve and they were just calling me. Beer is one of my many weaknesses. I should have just thrown them away to get rid of them but I hate to waste. Is that awful? Am I ridiculous? ...well I have four left and no intention of tossing them. But as soon as they are gone, NO MORE! Promise...(to try...really really hard). :-)

Why?

Hi. It's me. One of a million weight loss losers in this country. I don't know the statistics but I'd bet at least half of America makes the resolution every January to lose weight, and I, like most of these people never make it much farther than February before giving up and moving on.This year will be different.

"Why?"

Well, it's couple of reasons really, too numerous to recount in this blog alone. But I'll share some of the big ones through out my timeline along with how much I'm weighing each day and what I'm eating. My immediate goal of losing 50 pounds by June 30th though, is strongly powered by the very, likely chance that this summer I'll be taking my kids to the beach for the first time, in a swimsuit...and my mother will be there. But we'll visit that issue much later on.

First and foremost, I want to lose weight for myself. I've always wanted to have a nice body and wear sexy clothes and I could up until about my first year in college. I've always been a bigger girl but jumping double dutch and cheerleading practice used to be enough to keep my weight mostly under control .

My senior year, in 1990, at 17 years old, I was between 140 and 145 pounds, 5 foot, 5 inches. I was a thick girl, but proportional. I have a muscular build and have always carried my weight well, despite my short stature. But after graduating high school, my weight just ballooned up. College put on another 10 pounds. Then I met and fell in love with my husband (then my boyfriend) and put on another 10 to 20 pounds.

By 1994, I was 180 pounds. That year I went thru a 2 - 3 month boot camp, weight loss, experience and lost 10 pounds. But I built a lot of muscle so I went from being a size 14 to a size 8. Weight wise, it was the happiest time of my life. But it didn't last. I had denied myself so many things for those few months. I wanted to experience each one of them over and over again. Chinese, Mexican, Italian, West Indian. Every kind of food, I ever loved. I ate and the weight crept back on.

Eight years later, in 2002, I was 210 pounds. I had a baby and was at risk for gestational diabetes so I was challenged with not gaining any weight for that 7 or 8 month period. They had me prick my finger 3 times a day and I did it. I didn't gain, well maybe, just about 5 pounds. I did good. I was proud. It was a very good time in my life and I was happy. After having her though I did gain maybe another 5 or 10 pounds and less than two years later I was having another one. This time there was no gestational diabetes scare. No medical reason not to indulge the urges and I was unhappy. Things were not going well in my life. I was up to 245 pounds when I had her.  Lost 15 pounds or so after she came out but immediately went right back up to 245. My youngest daughter is now 5 years old and I am now 250 pounds. 250 POUNDS!!! And that's so not ok.

I'm 37, black, married with two kids and work part-time. I am greatly challenged to find the time in the day to exercise and still leave time for me. Having very little money, makes it difficult to keep the house stocked in fresh fruits and vegetables. Sometimes even squeezing canned vegetables in to the food budget can be difficult. But I'm setting a bad example for my family. Its not the message I want to send.

The second most important reason to me to lose this weight is for my daughter, my first born. I was at risk for gestational diabetes when I carried her and now she's 7 and she's over weight. It's so sad it breaks my heart. I know if I make the right changes I can teach her how to make the right choices with food. And it doesn't have to be a life long problem for her. She'll be eight in a couple of months and she's over a hundred pounds. Other kids her age weigh much less. This isn't ok. She's black in an all white (ok mostly white) town AND she's over weight. Am I not setting her up for failure or what? Kids can be so mean and unkind. She's a social butterfly. I can't let her weight affect how people see her.

So here is my challenge.
365 days (minus 3) to lose 100 pounds. Is it possible? I pray it is.
I plan to lose 50 pounds by June 30th and another 50 pounds by December 31st.
I plan to:
Cut out all most of the junk food.
Give up beer.
Give up soda.
Give up drinking.
Workout at least 5 times a week.
And Keep a Food Diary!
I'll eat lots of vegetables and minimal carbs, with plenty of protein.
No eating after 7pm (at the latest). Bed by 10pm.
This is my plan...or more like my goals. Either way, whatever I do, I've got to be accountable to you. So I'll share everything here about One Weight Loss Loser's 2010 Journey